Non-Toxic Masculinity

Peace and harmony

This month I’m taking up a position of treasurer of a men’s group I belong to, the Freemasons. It’s an organisation that is based on brotherly love, relief (an old English term for mutual assistance) and truth.

It has been in existence since at least 1723 when the very first constitution was documented, with other evidence showing it may have existed at least 450 years ago.

There’s a lot of talk about how the constitution that was written in 1723 was a milestone in equality for all men of all ranks in society, acceptance for all religions and promoted the advantages of education. 

The concepts from the enlightenment and the desire for living in peace and harmony are clearly documented for all to see. A clear example of non-toxic masculinity that is 300 years old. 

The organisation was not all talk - during the Napoleonic wars that followed closely after the French revolution - there is documentary evidence of the English freemasons making sure that the clothing and money that was sent from France to support the captured French prisoners of war was used to look after them. The Freemasons were looking after POWs for a hundred years before the Red Cross took up this mission. But for all that talk of equality and mutual support, the fact that women are specifically excluded from the organisation stands out like a massive red flag. 

So when a female member of my family told me she was joining Freemasonry for Women, then I was pleased to hear about it. It’s a big step forward for equitable outcomes and a significant milestone on the journey towards full equality for all genders. Women can also now enjoy the same opportunities to learn and grow in a masculine structure like I have. It seems to be gaining in popularity with many women wanting to join, and new lodges are opening across the world - with the next one opening in Berlin within the next 3 months. 

This is a clear example of women taking the opportunity to embrace the masculine structures of peace and harmony and using it to their own advantage. Freemasonry is a masculine organisation - and its many detractors attach the labels ‘secret society’ and ‘patriarchy’ to it. The biggest secrets in Freemasonry are not so secret, they are to ‘know thyself’ and to take responsibility for our own well-being before looking after others. Masculinity in itself is not patriarchal, we all inherit masculine and feminine components from our ancestor’s DNA from the very moment that we are conceived.

In my upcoming book I talk about toxic-masculinity and how aggression, denial and punishment is driven by the underlying emotions of shame, guilt and dogma. And that those behaviours can come from anyone of any gender.

The female freemason in my family called me up this week to complain about the aggressive and accusatory behaviour she had received from another member of her lodge - and I coached her through the process of engagement with the senior members to get help with this. Then it was no surprise when this week I got an email from an overseas member of my lodge that was a rant that reeked of accusation and punishment. 

I thought of my conversation earlier in the week and I decided “it must be the week for it.”

Being situated in the amazing city of Singapore means we have a wide range of members from many different countries who live here for years, and then retire to their native lands across the world. Sometimes the only time we hear from them is when we ask them to pay their dues - and they’re not happy. So I carefully replied with an appeal to my brother’s better nature of brotherly love and truth, and this morning I got back an email that was far more about peace and harmony than accusation of wrong-doing.

One of the big themes in my upcoming book is that there are two big steps in investing in our own emotional well being. 

The first is being willing to request help in a specific way that describes what you actually want, rather than complaining and accusing. 

AND, the second bigger step is then being willing to accept the help that you’re offered.

I’m a stand for people taking responsibility for their own emotional wellbeing.

For those of you that want early access to my book - join the paid VIP group, I’m going to start narrating this week and will be sharing to my VIPs.